Minister of Cringe establishes dept. of forced raves via caffeine mandate

Make me minister for nightlife. At 11:00pm every Friday and Saturday I will patrol London pubs for ageing millennials giving up on the sesh before the gang orders Ubers for the after. I will hand them caffeine pills and a doctor’s note for Monday. With their tired faces in between my palms, I will whisper “Your country needs you, tell Mohammad at the door the ministress send you, he’ll give you £5 off”.