Find your soulmate at Flying J: a Zyn-addled manifesto

Here's my advice to single American men who feel hopeless about ever finding a good woman to marry: Take a month or two between jobs and drive across the USA. Stop at every Jersey Mike’s, Firehouse Subs and Jimmy John’s, and eat every meal during non-rush hours. Avoid cities; stop primarily just off exits that cater exclusively to outlet stores, Top Golf and Car Max lots. Every time you see a pretty cashier or grill girl with a Tinkerbell or Tweety bird tattoo, politely ask what time her next smoke/vape/Bang energy break is. Tell her you're out seeing the country and looking for a place to day trade crypto and a good woman with kids to help neglect. Repeat until you've found someone to share your Cool Mint Zyn and blue Taki’s with. This worked for at least one chad I knew from a Discord server. Met his wife at a Subway attached to a Flying J in Blacksburg, South Carolina. She left her kids with her mom and moved to Fayetteville with him, and now they go back to that Subway together every Christmas, fueling up at the truck stop where they met and sharing a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki footlong he ordered when they met. She was giddy to find him, as most of the men in her town were either not willing to leave their wives or total losers because they weren’t willing to leave their kids. They were both in their early 30's when they met. I had planned on doing this when I got out of prison, but Providence had it that I'd never have to try it out -- I'd be married to the game(FanDuel parlays) just before my parole. But I say to any young man having trouble finding a woman it's absolutely worth a try. At worst, you see the country and develop high blood pressure from the salt content in deli meat. At best, you find the love of your life wearing Cookie Monster pajama pants manning a turbo chef.